Confessions of a Cruise Concierge: The Questions We Actually Get

Every cruise concierge has a secret folder. It isn't full of passwords or upgrade codes. It's full of the questions travelers have asked us, with complete sincerity, over the years.

We love every one of them. Truly. A person who asks "Does the ship go back to the same port?" is a person who is excited, curious, and about to have the best week of their year. Our job is to get them there with their dignity, luggage, and dinner reservations intact.

So, in honor of wave season sneaking up on us (and with names changed to protect the gloriously confused), here are the greatest hits from the Cruise Concierge Pro inbox.

The Hall of Fame

"Will I get seasick? I'm on deck 9, so I'll be above the waves."

We admire the logic. Unfortunately, the ocean does not check your deck number. The good news: modern ships have stabilizers, and a midship cabin on a lower deck is the calmest seat in the house. Deck 9 is great for the view, not for physics.

"Does the crew sleep on board?"

No. Every night at 11 p.m., 1,400 crew members paddle home in a fleet of tiny canoes and paddle back by breakfast. That's why the omelet station opens at 7 and not 6.

(They live on board. In cabins. Please tip them well.)

"What time is the midnight buffet?"

We have answered this question more times than the ship has sailed. It is at midnight. We checked. Twice.

"Is the ocean water salt water or fresh water?"

Salt. Very much salt. If you are hoping to rinse your contacts off the balcony, please don't. If you are hoping for a pool with fresh water, good news: the ship makes its own.

"Can I bring my emotional support peacock?"

We called. We asked nicely. We even offered to book the peacock its own balcony. The answer was no. Service animals with proper documentation are welcome; peacocks will have to enjoy the cruise through your Instagram stories.

"Do I need to pack a formal outfit, or is the dress code just a suggestion, like speed limits?"

Formal night is optional on most lines these days. But if you show up to the steakhouse in a swimsuit and a towel cape, the maître d' will remember you. Forever. So will the other 300 people at dinner.

"If the ship leaves without me, will it turn around?"

It will not. The ship is a 150,000-ton floating city with a schedule. You are one charming person with a frozen daiquiri. Be back on board 30 minutes before "all aboard" time, and set your watch to ship time, not island time.

"Which side of the ship is closer to the island?"

The side facing the island. We charge extra for this insight.

The Sneaky Serious Part

Behind every funny question is a real one. Here's what our travelers actually needed to know:

• Seasickness: Book a midship cabin on a lower deck, and pack ginger chews or ask your doctor about remedies before you sail.
• Ship time vs. local time: The ship may not change clocks when the island does. Always follow the ship's time for all-aboard.
• Dress code: Pack one "nice" outfit. You'll want it for the captain's dinner photos, even if you swear you won't.
• Fly in a day early: Flights get delayed. Ships do not wait. A pre-cruise hotel night is the cheapest insurance you'll ever buy.
• Book excursions early: The good snorkel trips and private beach days sell out weeks before sailing.
• Travel insurance: Not glamorous. Absolutely worth it.

Ask Us Anything. Seriously.

There is no such thing as a silly cruise question. Okay, there are a few. But we'd much rather you ask us than ask the purser at 11:58 p.m. while the ship pulls away from Nassau without you.

That's what a cruise concierge is for. We handle the cabin choice, the excursions, the dinner times, the "wait, do I need a passport?" panic, and every tiny detail in between. You handle the umbrella drinks.

Ready to plan a vacation where the only hard decision is pool deck or hot tub? Contact [email protected] today, and bring your questions. Yes, even the peacock one.

Fair winds and following seas,
The Cruise Concierge Pro Team